“You could put a bunch of monkeys in suits and they’d do a better job than you!”

“I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take the butcher’s word for it.”

“You have the personality of a wet rag, and the intelligence of a potted plant.”

“I swear to God, I’m going to pistol whip the next guy who says ‘shenanigans’.”

“Why would I want a pen that says ‘Bert’s Meat Market’?”

“You know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, because I think, maybe I’ll get up there and I’ll knock on the door and you won’t be there.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Does this offend you? Are you saying that I’m using some form of slang, or is it just the fact that I’m not addressing you with the familiar form of ‘vous’?”

“Fat guy in a little coat, fat guy in a little coat.”

“Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug!”

“What’s your name? Richard? Sounds like a dick. Who was it that said ‘a dick in the hand is worth two in the bush’?”

“That was over forty miles ago. You’re not gonna be able to get anything for it now.”

“If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.”

“I am the protector of the Kingdom, the defender of the fortress, and the savior of the people.” ABDUL KALAM MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES IN HINDI

“That was so terrible, I think you just gave me cancer.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.”

“Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child?”

“Brothers don’t let each other wander in the dark alone.”

“You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up, because I’ll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass!”

“You’re like that crazy uncle that nobody wants to talk to at Thanksgiving.”

“I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.”

“I’d rather stick my face in a blender than spend five more minutes with you.”

“It’s like trying to teach a pig to sing. It’s a waste of your time, and it irritates the pig.”

“What the hell is Zalinsky doing breathing down your neck?”

“I swear, if these guys could play fast and loose with the Constitution, so could we.”