“It’s not the cough that carries you off, it’s the coffin they carry you off in.”

“I’m not saying you’re fat, but when you sit around the house, you really sit around the house.”

“Women may be from Venus, but men are from the planet of the apes.”

“I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my own ass.”

“We can’t all be heroes, because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.”

“I told a joke once, but I think it got lost in the mail.”

“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”

“I don’t drink anymore, but then again, I don’t drink any less.”

“I haven’t seen anything this bad since the last time I saw something this bad.” “Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.”

“Waldorf: “I don’t like the curtain call.” – Statler: “Why not?” – Waldorf: “It means it’s over.”

“I can’t stand more than a minute of this show. Sometimes I even leave during the commercials.”

“I have nothing but respect for you. And not much of that.” LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN QUOTES

“Why do they always play the national anthem at the start of sporting events? It’s not like the players are going to forget what country they’re in.”

“Man, you could get famous. And then you could get tired of being famous. And then you could get drunk. And then you could get fat. And then you could die like Elvis.”

“If ignorance is bliss, then you must be the happiest person alive.”

“I knew it was dangerous to give a microphone to a guy who can’t sing.”

“Why do we pay money to watch people mess up their lives on stage when we can do it for free at home?”

“I think their show needs a new lead singer. And a new backup singer. And a new drummer. And a new guitar player. And a new audience.”

“I’m not old, I’m just early for my funeral.”

“I don’t mind spending money on good wine, because in the end it’s cheaper than therapy.”

“Watching this show is like watching paint dry. Except it’s not as interesting.”

“Statler: “Do you think the jokes are getting worse?” – Waldorf: “No, just your hearing.”

“I’ve seen better actors in a school play. And I was one of them.”