“I have a degree in common sense, but I’m pretty sure you don’t.”

“I may be a fool, but at least I’m not you.”

“I don’t always make sense, but when I do, it’s because I’m mocking you.”

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room at the same time? Exactly.”

“I may not have a six-pack, but at least I have sarcasm.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving my energy for more important things.”

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why you’re wrong.”

“I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing my laziness.”

“I’m not a morning person, I’m a sarcastic person that happens to wake up early.”

“I’m not overweight, I’m just under-tall.”

“I don’t need a filter, I need a sarcasm detector.”

“Your opinion is safe with me, I have no interest in it.”

“I’m not being rude, I’m just being honest. The truth hurts sometimes.” MAYBE ONE DAY QUOTES

“I’m not ignoring you, I’m just prioritizing myself.”

“I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.”

“I’m not antisocial, I’m anti-bullshit.”

“I don’t need to be drunk to have fun, but it helps.”

“I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.”

“I’m not sarcastic, I’m just fluent in smartass.”

“I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee person.”

“I’m not clumsy, I’m just taking the scenic route.”

“I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist.”

“I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”

“I’m not perfect, but I’m still better than you.”