“I can’t be held responsible for my actions, I’m a cartoon character.”

“Well, she can’t be a witch. She doesn’t even have a broomstick. And that’s like, Witch 10”

“It’s like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, coated in crap.”

“Men are like liquorice. You bite into them, and they’re all stringy and gross.”

“You know what really grinds my gears? People who stand in the middle of the escalator.”

“Oh my god, Brian, there’s a message in my Alphabits. It says ‘Oooooo’.”

“I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.”

“I haven’t felt this good since double-cheeseburgers were 99 cents.”

“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.”

“Don’t forget, tomorrow is the big game. Go sports!”

“I don’t know if it’s the chicken or the midgets, but something smells really good.”

“Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?”

“Oh no! I hope I don’t get drafted. I wanna stay here and drink beer and eat cheese.” MONEY TREE QUOTES

“It’s not the fart that kills, it’s the smell.”

“I used to have a job as a professional sign spinner. It was like twirling a baton, but with more existential dread.”

“I’m so embarrassed, I wish everyone else was dead.”

“You know what’s funny? A fat guy in sweatpants.”

“I wish I could live in a world where it was socially acceptable to wear a onesie.”

“I hate to break it to you, but the tooth fairy doesn’t exist. It’s just me, dressed up like a fairy, stealing teeth from children.”

“I don’t always say stupid things, but when I do, I blame it on the alcohol.”

“I don’t understand why people say ‘no offense’ before something offensive. It’s like saying ‘I’m going to punch you in the face, no offense’.”

“Apparently, it’s frowned upon to wear a “Free Hugs” t-shirt to a funeral.”

“I don’t need a job, I have a trust fund. I just like the ego boost of having people pretend to care about my qualifications.”

“I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m the most comfortable to sit on.”