“If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word.”

“The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It’s unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason – all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 19”

“I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them. That’s just the way I am. They’re just my beliefs. I just like believing them.”

“I’m always in bed by 9 p.m. and I have nothing to prove.”

“Growing up, I always thought the ‘J’ in Jesus H. Christ stood for ‘ham’.”

“I don’t look older, I just look worse.”

“I have a lot of personal beliefs, but I don’t impose them on my work.”

“I want to convince you that we’re all the same person, just trying to desperately fit in, and all we’re doing is just freaking each other out.”

“I love doing stand-up. It’s a lot of work but it’s so rewarding because you really get to connect with the audience.” “I grew up with a lot of odd fears, like pyramids and a fear that I would be killed by a tumbleweed someday.”

“A lot of people think that you have to be an extrovert to be a stand-up comedian, but I think one of the greatest strengths of comedians is their crippling social anxiety.”

“I’m Jewish and my wife is Catholic, so we have both holidays in our house. It’s a fun time, as long as we don’t have to talk about religion for any length of time.”

“I don’t know what’s weirder: that I’m a comedian, or that I’m a comedian who wears suits.” CHOP WOOD CARRY WATER QUOTES

“When you’re a kid, you think your father is Superman. Then you grow up and realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.”

“I had a brief moment where I was thinking, ‘Is smoking a grill?’”

“I don’t drink. I used to drink, then I drank too much and had to stop. That’s how drinking works.”

“I like to tell jokes about things that I’m interested in, and I’m not really interested in that many things, so I just kind of tell jokes about the things I know.”

“I’m more of a cats person because they’re just like miniature adults with their aloofness and judgment.”

“I never know what I’m thinking because I’m thinking about so many things at once that my thoughts are swirling together like a bunch of confused hummingbirds.”

“I’ve been described as an ‘old soul’ – I think that’s just a polite way of saying ‘depressed’.”

“I asked my doctor, what’s the cure for acid reflux? He said it’s simple. Stop drinking caffeine, stop eating red meat, stop eating fried food, stop drinking alcohol, stop smoking, and don’t eat anything after 6pm. I said, ‘So basically, you’re asking me to stop living?’”

“I’m never sure if I’m watching a show or if the remote just fell into my hand.”

“I love college football. It’s just like the professional NFL, except the players are all born in the same year.”

“Some of the best comedians don’t tell jokes – they just tell stories that are funny.”