“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Unless it’s a car, then you should fix everything because cars are important.”

“I’m not a morning person. I’m a ‘leave me alone until I’ve had my coffee’ person.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m energy efficient.”

“I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.”

“It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

“Work hard, play harder. Unless your job is playing, then just work hard and be grateful.”

“I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three or four times, just to be sure.”

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” “Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. Unless you love sleeping, then you might need a job too.”

“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then sell it and buy yourself something nice.” AIM FOR THE STARS QUOTE

“I’m not short, I’m fun size.”

“Things happen for a reason, but sometimes that reason is that you’re an idiot and you make bad decisions.”

“Life is too short to waste time on things that don’t matter, like arguing with idiots.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your boss told you to from the beginning.”

“I’m allergic to BS, but I have a high tolerance for it because I work with idiots.”

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

“I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist. I can’t help it if reality sucks.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with BS.”

“I’m not a control freak, I just happen to be the only one who knows what they’re doing.”

“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get, but you know somebody else is gonna take the good ones.”