“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”

“I’m not saying I don’t trust you, I’m just saying I have a backup plan.”

“I have a photographic memory but I always forget to charge the battery.”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”

“I’m not sure if I have a drinking problem or if it’s just my liver’s way of telling me to slow down.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving’s not for you.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.”

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” “I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”

“I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on a cloud somewhere.”

“I spent a minute thinking about life while waiting for the microwave to finish.” SCARFACE BAD GUY QUOTE

“I don’t always listen to advise, but when I do, it’s usually from the voices inside my head.”

“I’m not sarcastic, I’m just really good at fake sincerity.”

“I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.”

“I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.”

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room together?”

“I don’t suffer from stress, I create it.”

“I may be a terrible person, but at least I’m not fake.”

“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little special.”

“I’m not mean, I’m just brutally honest.”

“I’m not short, I’m just concentrated awesome.”

“I’m not sure if I’m going to heaven or hell, but at least I know I’m going somewhere.”