“Medicine is not an exact science, but I’m pretty sure I’m right this time.”

“You want medical advice? Sleep with an onion in your sock.”

“Don’t worry about the test results, they’re just numbers.”

“I’m a doctor, not a magician.”

“Let’s just say I’ve seen worse than this before and leave it at that.”

“I always say, if it hurts, don’t do it. But if you have to do it, don’t hurt.”

“They say laughter is the best medicine. I say medicine is the best medicine.”

“I’ve never been to medical school but I have watched a lot of episodes of ER.”

“Just take two of these and call me in the morning, unless you’re dead.” “I don’t believe in malpractice. I call it creative billing.”

“I’m not a miracle worker, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

“I always like to throw in a few medical terms for good measure. Hypothalamus, anyone?”

“I can’t cure stupid, but I can prescribe medication for it.” SIT DOWN QUOTES

“I always tell my patients, keep your chin up. Unless you’re a giraffe, then keep your neck straight.”

“I once cured a patient with just a smile and a handshake. Of course, it helped that she had the flu.”

“A little sunshine and fresh air can do wonders for the soul. And the sinuses.”

“I don’t believe in coincidences. Unless, of course, it’s my paycheck arriving on time.”

“I’m not saying I’m a genius, but I did graduate from community college.”

“I always say, the best medicine is a good belly laugh. Unless you have a punctured kidney, then it’s probably just morphine.”

“I don’t need fancy medical technology. All I need is a stethoscope and a bottle of scotch.”

“I once treated a patient who thought he was a chicken. I prescribed him a roosty booster and sent him on his way.”

“I always say, prevention is better than a cure. Unless, of course, you’re a doctor and need job security.”

“I may not have a medical degree, but I do have a PhD in people skills.”

“I always remind my patients, take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”