“I have a photographic memory. But I always forget to bring the film.”

“I’m not saying I’m into BDSM, but I do like to be tied up in traffic.”

“I don’t always listen to death metal, but when I do, so do my neighbors.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my fingers.”

“I’m not a morning person, I’m not an afternoon person, I’m not an evening person. I’m just not a person.”

“I’m not saying I’m emotionally constipated, but I haven’t given a shit in years.”

“I’m so old, I remember when B.C. meant Before Coffin.”

“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer a pint glass full of tears.”

“I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a sober problem.”

“I love waking up to the sound of birds screaming in agony outside my window.”

“I can always tell when someone is lying to me. Their lips are moving.”

“I’m not saying I’m a psychopath, but I do have a collection of human teeth.” TED WILLIAMS QUOTES

“I’m not saying I’m addicted to chocolate, but I have a chocolate fountain in my living room.”

“I’m so bad at cooking, I can’t even boil water without burning it.”

“I’m not a morning person, I’m a mourning person.”

“I’m not saying I’m lazy, but I’m pretty sure I’m a sloth in human form.”

“I’m not saying I’m short, but sometimes I need a stool to reach my sense of humor.”

“I’m not saying I’m clumsy, but my life is a continuous blooper reel.”

“I don’t always take medication, but when I do, it’s to prevent me from turning into a werewolf.”

“I’m so bad at math, I can’t even count to potato.”

“I’m not saying I’m a hypochondriac, but I do have a medical dictionary for entertainment.”

“I’m not saying I’m a pessimist, but my blood type is B-negative.”

“I don’t always exercise, but when I do, it’s jumping to conclusions.”